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When to Throw a Goodbye Party

Longreads Pick

A personal essay in which Joy Notoma grapples with: saying goodbye to friends before a move, the complicated grief of shunning, and the way one parting can be a painful reminder of so many others.

Author: Joy Notoma
Source: Longreads
Published: Jul 19, 2019
Length: 14 minutes (3,746 words)

When to Throw a Goodbye Party

Illustration by Olivia Waller

Joy Notoma | Longreads | July 2019 | 15 minutes (3,746 words)

I didn’t want a goodbye party. They always make me lonely because I can never connect with people as deeply as I want. I didn’t feel I needed one. I was happy with one-on-one time with friends during the last months before I left Brooklyn to move to Benin.

These were the days when the busyness we habitually shield ourselves with melted away. The excuses we usually find to not get together suddenly weren’t good enough; we attended to those last moments religiously, knowing that coffee dates and weekend hangs would soon dwindle to once-a-year affairs, and those even only if we were lucky. We had already seen enough life changes among us to know the fragility of our bonds — many of them were already mostly memories steeped in nostalgia for days bygone, coated with the sweetness of stories told and re-told, but brittle beneath the weight of our everyday realities. We could look at each other, our eyes shrouded in shame with the knowledge that we weren’t present for the other’s most recent tragedy, but nonetheless carrying the trust of friendship’s creed: I love you though I am not always there and if you really really really need me, I’ll do my damndest to hold you up however I can— present or not. Through this creed, we forgave each other’s absences through divorces, first years of motherhood, and even a suicide attempt. Somehow, that creed meant something even if in reality, we had not been there for each other when we were really really really needed. And then when it was decided that I was moving, all the hurts of previous absences were less important than the one that was pending.

But during my final days before I moved to West Africa, to a country that many of our friends will likely never visit, we stopped time to shore up the bonds, to declare love, and to lavishly heap that coveted resource, time, upon each other. There was no other way. We sat and laughed and celebrated and mourned the time we spent and did not spend together. I was sure that these moments with each of them were enough for me. I knew that a party would sully it.

A party would force our conversations into five-minute segments while we shifted every few seconds because we aren’t sure when, if, how we would be interrupted. A party would make it strange if eyes spontaneously filled with tears…because who can handle all that emotion when there are other people to manage and attend to? A party would make me conscious of anyone who had the need to grab and hold me tight because of my obsessive worry over anyone feeling left out. Please, I would pray for the duration of a party, let me be all things to all people.

But then during my final week in New York, something began to change. I began to crave the uncanny thrill of a crossover episode — that rare intermingling when characters from the disparate corners of my life meet on neutral ground. Against my better judgement, I decided to have a party. I sent out non-committal sounding texts: “Are you free? Thinking of a little goodbye shindig.” The replies poured in. Everyone was free. A party was happening. And then in response to the anxiety of what I had done, I lost track of the texts and replies and began to forget who I invited and who I had left off the list. In the days approaching, I kept myself busy packing my apartment, getting rid of things, and contemplating the reality of my move.
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The Launch

Longreads Pick
Published: Jul 18, 2019
Length: 20 minutes (5,200 words)

Whole 60

Evgeny Buzov / Getty

Laura Lippman | Longreads | July 2019 | 15 minutes (3,660 words)

1.

When I was in high school, I would walk to the Waldenbooks in the mall near my home and read novels while standing up. This was the 1970s, long before bookstores became places that encouraged people to sit, hang, browse. There were no armchairs in that narrow store on the second floor of Columbia Mall in Howard County, Maryland.

Reading while standing up felt like stealing, a pathetic thrill for this straight-A goody-goody. I had money — I babysat, I eventually worked at the Swiss Colony in the same mall. I could buy any volume I truly desired. But my stand-up reads were books too embarrassing to bring home. I remember only two.

One was The Greengage Summer by Rumer Godden, a British novelist perhaps best known today for inspiring the name of Bruce Willis’s and Demi Moore’s oldest daughter. It now strikes me as a perfectly respectable book; I could have forked over $1.25 for it.

The other one was — I couldn’t begin to tell you the title. It was a slick psycho serial killer tale that began with a young couple parked on Lovers Lane, where they were attacked by a man with, if I recall correctly, a metal hook for one of his hands. He used his hook to slash the roof of the convertible, or maybe it was a knife, and as the metal blade (or the hook) pierced through the canvas, the beautiful, vain sorority girl — it was implicit that she deserved to die if only for her smugness — thought: “I should have had that slice of cheesecake at dinner.”

It has taken me more than 40 years, but the singular achievement of my life may be that if I am attacked by a serial killer on a deserted Lovers Lane, I almost certainly will have had dessert. Not cheesecake, because I don’t like cheesecake. Possibly some dark chocolate, preferably with nuts or caramel, or a scoop of Taharka ice cream, an outstanding Baltimore brand, or one of my own homemade blondies, from the Smitten Kitchen recipe.

Maybe a shot of tequila, an excellent digestif. Maybe tequila and a blondie.

But only if I want those things. Many nights, I’m not in the mood for anything sweet after dinner. Every day, one day at a time, one meal at a time, one hunger pang at a time, I ask myself what I really want. I then eat whatever it is.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
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The Cost of Reading

Illustration by Homestead

Ayşegül Savas | Longreads | July 2019 | 15 minutes (3,811 words)

Two weeks after I read Deborah Levy’s The Cost of Living, I found out that she would be speaking at a literary symposium titled “Against Storytelling” at a venue some minutes from where I live.

The Cost of Living is a memoir about the period following Levy’s separation from her husband. She moves into a dreary apartment block with her two daughters, loses her mother, takes every job she is offered, and continues writing, in an entirely new set-up of family, home, and work.

The book is about other things, too, like cycling up a hill after a day writing at a garden shed; buying a chicken to roast for dinner which tumbles out of the torn shopping bag and is flattened by a car; putting up silk curtains in the bedroom and painting the walls yellow; showing up to a meeting about optioning the film rights to her novel with leaves in her hair.

It is, mysteriously, about a scarcity of time and money, of trying to make ends meet. Mysteriously, because it is such a generous book, so lush and unrushed.

One of my best friends, visiting for the weekend, picked it up from the coffee table while my husband and I were preparing breakfast on Saturday morning.

“Oh my god,” she shouted from the living room, “this book is amazing!”

I guessed that she must have read the opening scene, when the narrator overhears a conversation at a restaurant. A middle-aged man, “Big Silver,” is talking to a young woman he’s invited to his table. After a while, the young woman interrupts to tell him a strange story of her own, about a scuba diving trip, which is also a story of being hurt by someone in her life.

“You talk a lot don’t you?” Big Silver responds.

“It was not easy to convey to him,” Levy writes, “a man much older than she was, that the world was her world too… It had not occurred to him that she might not consider herself to be the minor character and him the major character.”

My friend went home on Sunday evening. She’d just been offered a new job, and would be spending the week negotiating her terms and meeting with the people at the new office. One of her reservations about the job concerned a partner who had first approached her for recruitment. Yet he didn’t have the tact, even as he sought her out, to stifle sexist comments meant as jokes. My friend wondered whether she should call him out on this during their meeting. In their offer, the firm had praised my friend’s directness.

That week, she and I messaged back and forth about the offer, as well as about all our favorite parts in The Cost of Living. She told me she’d recommended the book to her therapist.

Another friend was struck by the book’s lightness — its reluctance to belabor any sorrow, despite the sadness that runs throughout. He felt that this was a form of respect towards readers, their capacity to understand grief and hardship without dissecting it to pieces.

Yet another friend (we were all reading The Cost of Living) said that the book had lungs. Between the empty spaces of its short paragraphs, it breathed with light and transforming meaning. This friend had just read all of Levy’s work in one stretch.
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Bundyville: The Remnant — Character List

The reporting path that led to the formation of Bundyville: The Remnant was one that wound thousands of miles around the American West — from Nevada to Utah, Arizona to Oregon and Washington. It’s a story of martyrdom and mystery, told through the eyes of a long list of characters — people who, in many cases, don’t know each other, or even cross paths in this series. These biographical sketches can be used as a tool to keep names and stories straight as you read.



Barry Byrd

The pastor of Marble Community Fellowship, in Stevens County, Washington. Byrd was also the singer in the bands Legacy and the Watchman, and was one of 15 signers of a Christian Identity manifesto called the “Remnant Resolves.” Byrd attended The Ark — a known Christian Identity church in Stevens County — for years before founding Marble Country, a “Christian covenant community” with his wife, Anne.

Stella Anne Byrd

A North Carolina native, Stella Anne Byrd (nee Bulla) is married to Barry Byrd, and helped found Marble Community Fellowship. Anne often preaches from the pulpit as well, and is seen by many people raised at Marble as someone who believes she is a prophet. Two of her brothers also believe they are prophets.

Brad Bulla

Brother of Anne Byrd. Brad Bulla was one of the fifteen authors of the Christian Identity manifesto, the Remnant Resolves, alongside his brother-in-law, Barry Byrd. He also played in the band Legacy with the Byrds. Bulla was excommunicated from Marble by his sister, and now is a traveling musician.

Ammon Bundy

Son of Cliven Bundy, Ammon Bundy was considered the leader of the 2016 Malheur Wildlife Refuge occupation in Southeastern Oregon. Bundy, who lives in Idaho, has since become a public speaker on his theories about the federal government and his anti-environmentalism stance. In 2018, he made headlines when he spoke out against President Trump’s remarks about a migrant caravan at the US/Mexico border.

Cliven Bundy

A Nevada cattle rancher, Cliven Bundy became a national name when, in 2014, he led an armed standoff between his militia supporters and employees of the US Park Service and Bureau of Land Management. By that point, Bundy had not paid the required fees to graze his cattle on public land for nearly 20 years, on the basis of his claim that the federal government could not actually own land. Bundy is the father of Ammon Bundy and Ryan Bundy, who led the 2016 armed takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. Bundy was held in federal prison for two years for charges related to the 2014 standoff, but was freed when the judge dismissed the case after determining that government prosecutors had failed to turn over relevant evidence to Bundy’s lawyers.  The government has appealed the dismissal

Richard Butler

As the founder of the neo-Nazi compound, the Aryan Nations, Butler established the group in North Idaho during the 1970s — which became a hub for white supremacists from around the country to gather. Butler was also an ardent believer in Christian Identity, and also ran a church devoted to the ideology at the Aryan Nations, called the Church of Jesus Christ Christian. Butler lost his compound in a 2000 lawsuit, and died in his sleep in 2004.

Joshua Cluff

A nurse and former colleague of Glenn Jones, Cluff and his family were the victims of the 2016 Panaca bombing committed by Jones. Cluff is a cousin of LaVoy Finicum, and is married to Tiffany Cluff, who was home when the bombing occurred with the couple’s three daughters.  

Glenn Jones

A 59-year-old former nurse at the Grover C. Dils Medical Center in Caliente, Nevada, Jones detonated two bombs at the Panaca, Nevada home of his former co-workers, Joshua and Tiffany Cluff on July 13, 2016. Jones shot himself before the bombs exploded, and died at the scene. At the end of his life, Jones lived at an RV park in Kingman, Arizona.

Robert LaVoy Finicum

In January 2016, 54-year-old Robert LaVoy Finicum was considered a leader of the 41-day armed takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Southeastern Oregon. Preferred to be called LaVoy, Finicum was an Arizona native who became a rancher late in life. He was the father of 11 children, and numerous foster children, and was married to Dorothea Jeanette Finicum. He was shot and killed after fleeing from police during a traffic stop on January 26, 2016 that was intended to arrest the leaders of the refuge occupation. Finicum is widely considered a martyr in the anti-government Patriot movement.  

Sheriff Kerry Lee

A Panaca native, Kerry Lee has been the sheriff of Lincoln County, Nevada — one of the largest counties by square foot in America — for 13 years. He is also the chief of the Panaca volunteer fire department and the county coroner. He lives down the street from the 2016 bomb site, and was one of the first people to respond to the scene.  

William Keebler

An ardent hunter and Utah militiaman, William “Bill” Keebler spent two weeks at the 2014 Bundy Ranch standoff, providing supplies for Bundy’s supporters and acting as a bodyguard to the family. Keebler was an associate of LaVoy Finicum. After the standoff, Keebler returned home to Utah and founded the Patriots Defense Force (PDF) militia. In June 2016, Keebler pushed the button to detonate a fake bomb at a Arizona Bureau of Land Management building. The explosive was supplied by a PDF member who was actually an undercover FBI agent. After two years of court proceedings, Keebler was sentenced to time served and is out on parole.

Stewart Rhodes

The founder of the Oath Keepers militia, which is considered to be an anti-government group formed out of conspiratorial beliefs. Rhodes is a graduate of Yale Law School and is a former staffer for Ron Paul. During a February 2019 Trump campaign rally, Rhodes appeared in the front row of the crowd.

“Brad Miller” and “Jake Davis”

Two undercover FBI agents who infiltrated William Keebler’s Patriots Defense Force militia.

Washington State Representative Matt Shea

A six-term Washington state house member representing Spokane Valley, Matt Shea has aligned himself at the far-right of the state’s Republican party. He made headlines in 2018 when he claimed to have distributed a document called the Biblical Basis for War, which spelled out a battle plan for a holy war. Shea has long been vocal about his conspiratorial views, and has been a guest on Alex Jones’s broadcast InfoWars. He is an annual speaker at the God and Country Celebration at Marble Community Fellowship, a secretive religious community. He is a leader of the 51st State movement, which advocates for Eastern Washington to break off from the more liberal west side of the state. The new state would be called “Liberty.”

Timothy McVeigh

The perpetrator of the 1995 bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, which left 168 people dead. McVeigh was known to hold anti-government beliefs, and said the bombing was revenge for the Ruby Ridge and Waco incidents.

Dorothea Jeanette Finicum

The widow of Robert LaVoy Finicum and mother of 11, Jeanette became an activist and popular Patriot Movement speaker after her husband’s death. She filed a wrongful death lawsuit against several defendants, including the State of Oregon, because of his death, and helped create a movie about her husband called LaVoy: Dead Man Talking.

Mark Herr

Founder of the Center for Self-Governance, Herr is also the producer of LaVoy: Dead Man Talking.

Guy Finicum

LaVoy Finicum’s younger brother. A licensed mental health counselor.

Paul Glanville

A Colorado doctor who lived at Marble Country during the 1990s, but left the community after coming to believe it was a religious cult.

Jay Grimstead

Founder of the Coalition on Revival, which advocates for laws to be restructured to follow Biblical law. Grimstead briefly lived at Marble Community Fellowship, and later became a critic of the Byrds’ authoritarian structure. 

Chevie Kehoe

Kehoe, who attended The Ark, a Christian Identity church in Stevens County, WA, believed he could create the white American bastion in the Northwest that racists before him, like Bob Mathews, believed in. Kehoe went on a multi-state crime spree, which included murders, robberies, and a shootout with police before he was arrested and sentenced to three life sentences. He is currently incarcerated at the ADX Florence supermax prison in Colorado.

Kevin Harpham

A Stevens County, Washington white supremacist who planted a bomb in 2011 on the route of the Spokane, Washington Martin Luther King Jr Day Unity March. Currently in prison.

Dan Henry

A Christian Identity pastor at The Ark, now called Our Place Fellowship, in Stevens County, Washington.

Jesse Johnson

Was raised at Marble Country before being excommunicated as a teenager.

Israel Keyes

A childhood acquaintance of Kehoe who also reportedly attended the Ark, Keyes confessed to committing murders around the United States shortly before killing himself in jail.

Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich

The sheriff of Spokane County, Washington since 2006, Knezovich — a Republican — has risen as one of the loudest voices against State Rep. Matt Shea.

Robert “Bob” Mathews

A former anti-government militia leader, in 1983 Mathews formed The Order: a white supremacist group that committed bombings, robberies, and a murder around the American West in hopes of sparking a race war. Mathews hoped to turn the Northwest into a “white American bastion.”

Pete Peters

A Christian Identity pastor and radio host, Pete Peters ran a small Colorado church devoted to anti-homosexual, anti-Jewish and racist teachings in the 1980s. Peters spoke at conferences and to groups of Christian Identity adherents around the country, including at The Ark in Stevens County and the Aryan Nations compound in North Idaho. Although Peters tried to shed the Christian Identity label, he continued to preach the ideology throughout his life. Peters hosted a radio and online ministry called Scriptures for America, which still continues today in his absence. He died in 2011.

Dennis Peacocke

A California political activist-turned-spiritual leader, Peacocke is an advocate for dominionism and is something of a spiritual advisor to the Byrds.

Jay Pounder

A devout Christian and former security staffer for State Rep. Matt Shea, Pounder helped leaked the Biblical Basis for War document in 2018.

Tanner Rowe

Rowe worked security for State Rep. Matt Shea on Election Night 2016. In 2018, alongside Jay Pounder, Rowe would release a document called The Biblical Basis for War — which Shea had distributed. The paper advocates for a holy war. Rowe is also a loud critic of Shea’s 51st State Movement.

John Smith

Former Washington state representative, representing Stevens County, Washington. As a young man, Smith attended The Ark, a Christian Identity church in the county, but has since disavowed his past and become one of the loudest voices in the county against the ideology. In 2018, Smith collaborated with Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich on a three-part podcast about the presence of white supremacist ideologies in the region.

Glen Wadsworth

A native Panacan who is both a prison conservation crew supervisor and a member of the volunteer Fire Department in Panaca, Nevada. He was mowing the lawn of his childhood home on July 13, 2016, when Glenn Jones detonated two massive bombs next door.  

Pastor John Weaver

A longtime neo-Confederate speaker who opposes interracial marriage, Weaver was a featured guest at the 2015 God and Country Celebration at Marble Community Fellowship.


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PHOTO CREDITS Guy Finicum, Tanner Rowe, Glen Wadsworth, Kerry Lee: Ryan Haas; Jesse Johnson: Leah Sottile; Joshua Cluff: Facebook; Cliven Bundy: Gage Skidmore; Robert Finicum: The Realist Report; Ammon Bundy: Rob Kerr–AFP/Getty Images; William Keebler: Salt Lake County Sheriff’s Office; Stewart Rhodes: Course Correction; Glenn Jones: KTNV; Representative Matt Shea: Ted S. Warren/AP/REX Shutterstock; Timothy McVeigh: AP Handout; Dorothea Finicum: Dave Blanchard/OPB; Mark Herr: Eric M. Appleman/Democracy in Action; Barry Byrd: Marble Country; Stella Byrd: Facebook; Brad Bulla: Facebook; Richard Butler: Southern Poverty Law Center; Pete Peters: Blair Godbout/The Coloradoan; John Smith: Washington State Legislature; Robert Matthews: Wiki Fair Use; Chevie Kehoe: Homeschooling’s Invisible Children; Israel Keyes: HOPD; Pastor John Weaver: Immortal 600; Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich: Spokane County; Jay Pounder: Exceptional Gent; Jay Grimstead: Reformation; FBI Badges: Getty; Dan Henry: SonPlace; Dennis Peacocke: Go Strategic; Paul Glanville: Eagles Wing Medical; Kevin Harpham: Associated Press.

Holding the Pain

Illustration by Lily Padula

Amye Archer | Longreads | July 2019 | 14 minutes (3,422 words)

On the morning of December 14th, 2012, one of my twin daughters stayed home from school. Warm from fever, Samantha drifted in and out of sleep as I cleaned around her. The house was still out of sorts from the girls’ 6th birthday party only two days prior. Shortly after 10 a.m., I started receiving texts from my more news-conscious friends alerting me to a school shooting unfolding at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. Sandy Hook. It would be the first and last time I would ever hear those two words and not feel an ache somewhere inside of me.

I turned on the news and saw dozens of children with terror on their faces, walking in connected ropes, hands on shoulders through the parking lot. As the minutes ticked by, reporters began saying numbers. Two, four, six, twelve. I remember thinking that’s a dozen. A dozen children are dead. I tried hard to busy myself. I washed the same dish three times, dismantled the bathroom faucet and scrubbed every part with an old toothbrush, anything to keep from thinking of that number. Then, a CNN text alert: Dozens dead. They had added an “s.”

I couldn’t hide any longer. I turned the television on low. There it was on the Chiron: 20 children between the ages of 6 and 7 were dead. I struggled to breathe. Twenty. Twenty children the same age as my twin daughters. I pressed my spine against the doorframe of my kitchen and sobbed. I prayed the frame would hold my pain.

I watched the coverage in drips as Samantha was waking up. I remember thinking she should not associate first grade with murder. She will never go back. I came up with explanations I would use if she woke and discovered the news. I came up empty. I worried that I would never be able to adequately explain what happened at Sandy Hook. I also worried about school. I prayed my other daughter, Penelope, who was tucked away in the safety of her Kindergarten classroom, didn’t know. Can I ever assume she is safely tucked away there ever again? I wondered if I should call the principal and ask him not to tell her. Not to tell any of them? I made a promise to myself right then and there that I would be a bucket for my daughters, and that I would carry this for as long as I could so they didn’t have to.

Shortly before 2:30 pm, I dressed a groggy Samantha and took her with me to pick up Penelope. The school was only blocks away, and we rode in silence. As we waited outside the elementary school exit for the students to emerge, I scanned the other parents’ faces for any sign of worry or anguish. They seemed fine, relaxed, smiling. Did they know? Many looked like they came right from work. I envied them in that moment, in that place, the not-knowing. I wished I could warn them. There was a bomb of heartache waiting for them at home. Tick, tick, tick.

By the time we got home, the country knew more. Six educators were also killed. We learned it was a lone gunman. We learned what collective heartbreak felt like. Shortly after 3 p.m., President Obama spoke to a stunned and grieving nation. I set the girls up with some Legos in the other room so I could watch. He fought to hold back tears at first. Then, he let them fall. In that moment, he wasn’t our President, he was also Sasha and Malia’s dad. I ran into the small guest bathroom, locked the door and called my mother. I cried harder than I ever have in my life.
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Two Clocks, Running Down

MirageC / Getty

Colin Dickey | Longreads | June 2019 | 13 minutes (3,573 words)

I remember my first encounter with the work of Félix González-Torres, even though most of the details are fuzzy. I don’t remember which museum we were at, nor which piece, exactly, it was. I don’t remember the year, though it was sometimes in the early 2000s. Sometimes the way memory works is through a very tight precision that exists in a sea of imprecision.

It was one of his many takeaway pieces, one of the stacks of paper — a heavy stack of large, poster-size paper, each printed with the same image — and the public was invited to take a sheet. I remember Nicole explaining to me how the weight of the stack of paper was the same as González-Torres’s lover, and slowly, one by one, the stack would be diminished by visitors taking sheets away one at a time. González-Torres’s lover, who had died of AIDS, as would, eventually, González-Torres himself. The stack would wither and diminish but it could be replenished by the museum’s curators. Nicole took one of the prints — I can’t remember what was on it, which image or block of text — and we moved on.

The weight is the important part — the idea of a body. Félix González-Torres made work about the physical space of a body, and how that body could change and wither by disease, or how it could be reconstituted in different ways. So many of González-Torres’s works involve subtraction. Perhaps most famously were his mountains of candy — often the exact weight of his lover Ross Laycock, or the weight of González-Torres and Laycock together — where viewers would be invited to take a piece of candy and eat it, this small thing that made up the weight of the body of González-Torres’s dead lover becoming part of the bodies of the audience. Read more…

Took You By Surprise: John and Paul’s Lost Reunion

Illustration by Homestead

David Gambacorta | Longreads | June 2019 | 20 minutes (5,128 words)

The sun was beginning to set over a mostly deserted expanse of beach in Malibu, casting long shadows behind a pair of visitors as they strolled a few feet from the water’s edge. They had the innocuous, no-particular-place-to-go demeanor of average beachgoers, except for the fact that their every step was being recorded by a local news cameraman. One was a guy who was intimately familiar with being filmed, photographed, analyzed, idolized, ridiculed, and praised: John Lennon. Read more…

Oh, Girl!

Migrant children, some of whom are unaccompanied minors, lean against a fence at the Home for Children in Reynosa, Mexico. (Photos by Jacky Muniello)

Alice Driver | Longreads | June 2019 | 21 minutes (4,024 words)

DISPONIBLE EN ESPAÑOL

“I will go with a map,” decided 16-year-old Milexi. Her love of maps, she said, was part of what gave her the confidence to migrate roughly 1,460 miles from El Portillo, Honduras, to McAllen, Texas, alone. When I interviewed her in August 2018, she sat, her body tense, her gaze direct, on the sunlit patio of the Border Youth Care Center (CAMEF El Centro de Atención a Menores Fronterizos) in Reynosa, Mexico. Milexi’s hair was parted down the middle, and it shined in the sun as she said, “My dream was always to travel on the Beast,” as the train that runs from one end of Mexico to the other is known; migrants hop on and off it as they work their way through the country, sometimes losing a limb or two if they miscalculate the jump onto or off of the train. Milexi dressed as a man and made it as far as Reynosa before being caught and turned over to the Center, where she had then spent 57 days and made the request to receive asylum in Mexico.

Milexi left Honduras because her stepfather beat her mom and one of her brothers. She said that he beat her mother for years, that he fractured her 11-year-old brother’s knee. She said that she started cutting herself at age 7, but was also proud of herself because, for the past year, despite feeling anxious, she had not cut herself once.

Then she added a detail: One night her stepfather beat her mother. She waited until he was asleep then got a knife from the kitchen and stabbed him. “I had bad luck and the knife struck in the wrong place,” she explained without blinking. Her stepfather survived and after that, she decided to leave Honduras.

Milexi hoped to request asylum in the United States on the grounds of domestic violence, perhaps unaware that U.S. policies related to domestic violence had changed. In June 2018, then Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in a decision titled Matter of A-B- vacated an immigration court decision to grant asylum to a woman fleeing domestic violence. A federal judge blocked the Trump administration’s policy ending asylum for those fleeing domestic violence, but the situation for migrants who request asylum based on domestic violence claims remains in limbo and is still open for interpretation. Orange County–based immigration lawyer Ashkan Yekrangi said that Session’s actions have created a gray area in which judges are unsure of how to treat asylum cases based on domestic violence claims. For now, according to Yekrangi, “The majority of cases are still being denied because judges and the Department of Homeland Security are relying on the Matter of A-B-.” Read more…