Sea of Nightmares: My Son Died Climbing. Now, I Wrestle With ‘What If.’

It is hard to imagine watching a video of your loved one falling to their death—but the fall of David Moudy‑Miller’s son, alpinist Balin Miller, was captured on a TikTok livestream and now lives online forever. Moudy‑Miller recounts watching the clip for the first time and trying to reclaim his son after thousands of strangers had already seen it and passed judgment. His grief is raw and spiralling, and this essay captures the messy, looping nature of a mind trapped in trauma.

However, even in that heartbreaking and shameful moment, I was still able to marvel at Balin’s athleticism. That he had the mental capacity and the reflexive spring to try and turn that unfolding tragedy into legend. Most of us would still be trying to understand what was happening as that recalcitrant haulbag receded into the distance and we were halfway to the bottom. That my little boy, who it seems was just learning to crawl, then walk, could instantaneously turn a backwards fall into a sideways leap, boggles my mind. That the strength to grab that haul line tightly enough to make a haulbag jump, could come from a boy who only yesterday could not hold his own baby bottle filled me with awe.