Let’s say you’re diagnosed with a terminal illness, and your doctor gives you a time frame: five years, two years, six months to live. What would you do next? Perhaps you get your affairs in order, spend as much time as you can with loved ones, or tackle a bucket list (as your health permits). What happens, then, when the estimated end date comes and goes? Bruce Deachman speaks with people who have experienced exactly this: people who are frustrated—even angry—to find themselves stuck in a prolonged state of uncertainty, having accepted an ending that hasn’t yet come.
This past November, about six months after his prognosis estimate had come and gone, Staubi learned that his cancer had gone into remission. That’s when he got angry.
“I had been so invested in preparing for my death,” he recalls. “And then it quickly dissolved into annoyance. I had gone from not knowing when I was going to die to not knowing whether the cancer was going to come back.
“My initial reaction was ‘What am I going to do with this? How do I move forward? How do I stop my brain from going in the direction it was going?’”
Friends, meanwhile, were reacting to the remission with joy — an exuberance Staubi found difficult to share or return.
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In this personal essay, Karen Brown recalls the pain and joy of fulfilling a deathbed promise.
