The choice faced by the families in Susan Dominus’ piece is the definition of impossible; how do you rip apart two families after a careless mistake at the IVF clinic led to two moms carrying, birthing, falling for, and raising the other’s genetic child? The background on IVF regulation and other prominent clinic errors is interesting, but the heart of this story is how these two families chose to move forward: with lots of tears, lots of love, lots of patience, and a commitment to creating a new kind of partnered family where each set of parents raises their genetic child while also staying connected to the child they first brought home and fell in love with.
On Jan. 16, the families each had their babies overnight for the first time, and Daphna started to feel the connection she had been longing to feel. When she gave Zoë a bath before bedtime, she took her daughter in her arms, inhaled the scent of her head, felt her soft downy hair — somehow now she smelled like home. Like their towels, their shampoo, maybe even their pheromones. Daphna couldn’t help thinking of May, 10 minutes away at Annie and her husband’s home. May seemed farther along developmentally than Zoë, and Daphna worried that the change would be harder for her. That night, in fact, May was crying inconsolably. Annie was distraught that she could not comfort her, her heart breaking for a baby she already loved but who was sobbing, she was sure, for a mother Annie could not possibly be at that moment.
In a text… Annie promised Daphna that she would give May all the love she could, and that she had faith that Daphna would do the same for Zoë. “You’re a great Mommy,” Annie wrote. “We can definitely visit each and check how our girls are doing. It’s so hard. I don’t know how to let go.”
Daphna wrote back: “What if we don’t ‘let go’? What if we just have 2 babies? We share them. We have to find a way to have both babies. Spend a lot of time together. Raise these girls together.”
