The comedian on his early influences, stand-up career and his hatred of traditional sitcom writing:
“I was explaining to my girls, we went by a Chinese restaurant that has the big LED sign, and it has this sweeping pattern, then flashes red, then blue, then blue sweeps across from left to right, right to left, red sweeps across, and they said, ‘How does it do it?’ and I said, ‘There’s a circuit, somebody writes a program that tells the stupid lights to do this pattern, and they burn the program onto a circuit, and so that circuit just keeps taking this one trip.’ So there’s a guy on every show that does that, he has his one way, he has his variety, about eight different joke formulas, and you refill them with different stuff. He’s either the dumb guy or, like, Lisa Kudrow’s character on Friends or whatever. ‘I thought coffee was from Brazil.’ ‘Ugh, no the guy’s name is Coffee. He’s from Italy.’ Garbage like that. Then you start building the story, then you go away on an act break. Then you build a third act that just is the train wreck of not really much fun, but it pays everything off, it leaves everybody feeling exactly the same way they left, that they felt before the show started. That’s what shows are meant to do, is leave on par and leave a few jokes behind, to be printed in Entertainment Weekly’s sound bites.”
The whole Justin Bieber thing is a complex, bizarre incident. First of all, I was totally into Justin Bieber in a way that was really unappealing to anyone who knows me as a woman in my thirties. I was constantly going, “Omigod look at this video; he’s so cute! Come see how cute he is!” I was super excited about this assignment. Typically, I fly to these places and throw on a pair of pants and could care less what the subject thinks of my relative attractiveness, and for him I literally bought a skirt and got an iron and ironed it and put together a cute outfit. Then of course when I saw him I couldn’t believe what a pedophile I was. I was like, This is a child. A true, actual child. I’m clearly not interested in him anymore. It was some midlife crisis thing for me. And, look, it works on all these women, I’m not alone in it.